Santa Trained for Today's Role by Rescuing Sailors from Storms
His Knack for Teleportation Came in Handy for Later Toy Deliveries
Dear Saint Nicholas, protector of sailors,
Watch over us as we navigate the treacherous waters,
Grant us safe passage on our voyages,
Guide us with your loving presence.
May your intercession protect us from harm,
And bring us blessings on our maritime journeys.
Amen.
The Audio Version
Before Amazon, Santa Claus was the preeminent distributor of toys to children at Christmas, an accomplishment that combined teleportation skills and a knack for showmanship. A sleigh pulled across the skies by a team of reindeer—you’ve gotta admit, a jolly good gimmick.
Loose Cannon is taking a closer look at Saint Nick as part of his longtime interest in godly matters as they pertain to boats. Who could forget this scoop from two years ago, involving Saint Barbara?
Long before his seasonal distribution gig, Saint Nicholas was a bishop in 4th century Turkey. You don’t get promoted to saint until after you die, so Nick’s formative saint years came later during the Middle Ages.
All along, Nick was perfecting a talent for teleportation, using the Med as a training ground. The Mediterranean gets some awful storms, and Saint Medard, patron saint of meteorologists, obviously had been asleep on the job back then, at least when it came to marine forecasting. Sailors kept getting caught out.
In a December 2018 article from The Conversation, authors Louise Pryke and Christopher Malone explained how Saint Nick came to be recognized as the patron saint of sailors. About to be drowned by huge seas, these merchant mariners would be wailing and praying, and then, suddenly, guess who arrives out of nowhere just in the nick of time?
In one story, sailors in a wild storm in the eastern Mediterranean cried out for the already-famous wonderworker’s help. With the mast cracking and sails coming loose, a white-bearded man suddenly appeared and helped them haul the ropes, steady the tiller, and brought them safe to shore. Rushing up the hill to the local church to give thanks, the sailors were astonished to see Nicholas was already there, in the middle of saying mass.
This makes no sense, you say? Obviously, the guy saying mass would be the human Bishop Nick, not the posthumous saintly Nick with superpowers. Resist the impulse to nitpick Nick. Chalk it up to “mysterious ways” and read on.
Young Nick the bishop had an intensity that belies his grandfatherly image today. The guy who famously keeps a “naughty/nice list” was judgy back then too. Like the time he bitch-slapped that “arch-heretic” Arius right in front of Emperor Constantine. That’s what you get for questioning the Holy Trinity, Arius.
You don’t hear much about Saint Nick saving sailors anymore. Saint Brendan, a competitor for the same patron-saint-of-sailors title, doesn’t seem to be very active either. Maybe, it’s because Saint Medard finally showed up for work and gave us the superb forecasting capabilities we enjoy today.
Not everyone heeds forecasts, however. Like those three guys the Coast Guard pulled off that big Beneteau the other day. If only Saint Nick had teleported to their AIS coordinates, they might have changed their minds about abandoning ship. Nick could have taught them how to heave-to, and they could have spent the next 24 hours in the fetal position.
Maybe, another mistake also involved timing in general. Don’t expect Santa to help you if you set off into the North Atlantic in December. He’s kinda busy right now, people, especially with a competitor like Amazon breathing down his neck.
I came for the nautical journalism; stayed for the seasonal hagiographies.